i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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