I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
