some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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