I think I won the penis lottery.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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