I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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