I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
