He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
