I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
