my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
