just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
