What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The Olympian is in my bed
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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