you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
