I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
