i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
