Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
