What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
