I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
