I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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