Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
