I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
