I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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