I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
