Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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