There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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