Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
