I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
