I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
