His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
