I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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