drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
