I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
