Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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