she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
