Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
