If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
