i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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