Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
