She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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