can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
