and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
