my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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