I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
