he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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