I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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