It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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