Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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