When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
