hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
