it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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