apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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