She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
