i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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