I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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