I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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