I heard we made out
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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