There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
