i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
