I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
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I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
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Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.