I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples