I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
