some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
3pm strippers are depressing
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
