I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
