Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
