I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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