theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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